This evening, while walking around Publika (probably my favourite place in KL, before Jalan Pudu), I had a major realisation that I have not been doing so many things I used to enjoy. You know, stuvvvs like reading books, going to gigs, being spontaneous, and what not. A year of living alone has made me live within my means, planning so carefully, and painstakingly being a cheapskate, to the point of depriving myself of the finer things in life. Not that I eat caviar everyday (yuck, how can some people do that?) or drink sparkling water (lol, that's not even fine), but there are things I cannot afford to do anymore simply because I cannot afford - time and money wise.
You see, ever since I left Manila and decided to live on my own (which I still think, every other day if it's the best decision I made, but yeah, I'm here for a year now!), I have started to live like a real adult. Cooking, paying bills, stretching the last RM100 before payday, thinking twice about purchases, trying to make reasonable choices, and so on. Other people seem to make it look so easy, but the truth is, it's very hard, I cannot even fake it 'till I make it (I have been faking it for a year and I still have not made it, so I guess no). And then this trying so hard to be more responsible made me boring and stagnant. I could not appreciate what I have because there is rarely a time I stopped and smelled the roses. I used to have someone I run to on almost weekly basis, but when he left, things got awry. And it's sad. And I thought the world was being cruel to me because the words 'enjoy' did not exist to me anymore. I was working, eating, sleeping and doing all these routines that I seriously doubt if my life is going somewhere. And I cried so many times for reasons I cannot even fathom. For a while, it was really difficult and I dreaded everyday.
And then one time, I snapped back and asked, 'why am being so hard on myself?' Hey, being an adult still is fun. Everybody says I'm still young, enjoy life, yada yada, and I thought this is just an unsolicited advice and I never take those kind of things. I stopped being stubborn, I lightened up a bit. I made feels come in and out again. I fell in love. Those wonderful little details in life I put aside because I was busy being an adult. I am slowly being social. I am making friends and I am back to doing what I love to do, reading and travelling. And maybe, if I just allow myself to live on the easy side some more, I might start being spontaneous again and no longer rely on my planner.
That's about it for now. It's Saturday. I want to enjoy my weekend. I will probably head to... My bed soon because the weekend is happening at this very moment. Also, I hope to write more again next time.